My cousin sent a text that devastated me – I wish he’d called
‘Are you okay?’, asked my husband in February 2025.
I’d frozen, looking at my phone, somewhat perplexed. The timing could not have been worse – it was just before the school run and we were in the middle of hurriedly getting the boys ready and out of the door.
‘Well, I’ve just got this message. It’s from my cousin,’ I said.
The message read: ‘Hey Cuz, I hope you’re ok. I’ve had some bad news. My mum came to visit for a few weeks, and she’s passed away – just last week. I don’t know what to do. I’m in shock.’
The feeling was mutual.
Granted, I hadn’t spoken with my cousin in quite some time – life had been life-ing for both of us – but the first thing I wanted to do was reach out and give him a hug.
I was devastated, and I felt helpless.
Naturally I called straight away, but he didn’t pick up. He probably had a school run to do, too. So I resorted to the last thing I wanted to do – and sent a text message reply. I guess it was better than silence.
I said: ‘Hey mate, I’m heart-broken. This is so shocking for me too. I’m so sorry for your loss. If you can, give me a call when you’re up to talking.’
I just wanted him to hear my voice – I hoped it may provide some comfort and help to uplift him a little in this impossibly difficult time.
After the school run, I hurriedly made plans to send flowers and a condolences card. I offered to visit, too.
After around four weeks, we had a much-needed catch up. I just wish we had done it sooner.
Why I still find it shocking to receive bad news by text is beyond me. Maybe I’m just old school like that – but I find it a bit remote. Important life news deserves a bit more than a text message.
I also found out via text that my Grandmother – ‘Funny Grandma’ as we affectionately called her – had passed away when I was on holiday in 2019.
I was on the last leg of a European cruise with my family. We had just watched a cabaret performance and were standing by the bar when my phone peeped. It was my dad.
‘Grandma is gone, oooh. She is dead.’
The last thing I expected was to read those words in a text. It was gut-wrenching to see the message pop up like it was a notification – it felt cold.
I instantly called my dad back, who was clearly in shock.
For me, there is nothing like hearing the voice of another person on the phone
As soon as I got off the cruise, we made our way down to the coast to see my parents. I can’t tell you how much of a difference it made to see my dad surrounded by visitors who came to console him in person.
Funny Grandma was his world, and we knew showing our faces, being there in person instead of at the invisible end of a text message, made all the difference during such a painful time.
Just when I thought I had had my fill of bad news, I got another text in 2021 from the States, saying, ‘The old man is gone. I’m so sorry.’
This time it was my beloved father-in-law, a retired Army officer who lived out in Connecticut, USA. The message had come from my Aunty to my husband’s phone, so it fell on me to break the news in person to him.
It was totally heartbreaking, but I thought to myself: Thank God I’m here to help him through it and deliver the news in person.
What's the best way to deliver bad news?
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In person
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A phone call
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A text message
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A letter
I realised how fed up I was of receiving heart-breaking news like this over a text message, and how annoyed I was at society for letting us do this as ‘the norm’.
It all felt so cold and bereft of sentiment. I wish it had been a phone call – you can gauge much more that way, and ask questions.
I do see why others might prefer a text; maybe they are not up to speaking at that precise moment, especially if they’re in shock and grieving. They might not have the words at the time, or feel capable of talking to anyone.
It also might be the easiest way to get the news out to multiple people.
But for me, there is nothing like hearing the voice of another person on the phone, so they can actually hear your response to terrible news, and share your pain.
It seems to me that it is fast becoming the norm to break bad news over text
And to be able to console them in person is something so precious.
Many years ago, I remember my parents breaking the news to me that my uncle had passed away in a car accident.
I was a school girl at the time and I could see the tears in their eyes. We were able to embrace each other, talk through the incredible memories we had of Uncle, and it provided some unity and comfort in that very difficult time.
Nowadays, although it’s not always possible to break bad news in person, it seems to me that it is fast becoming the norm to break bad news over text.
But I’ll always make it my endeavour to deliver upsetting news via a phone call at the very least; or, better yet, I’ll reach out and offer to meet in person.
There’s nothing like a friendly smile to warm the heart, and let people know they are not alone.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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